


Who Am I But Here?

by savethespacewhales



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety, Ben Solo & Leia, Ben Solo & Rey - Freeform, Canon Divergent, First Kiss, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren & Leia, Kylo Ren & Rey - Freeform, M/M, Post-TRoS, Scar-touching, Sparring, finnlo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:41:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21609973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savethespacewhales/pseuds/savethespacewhales
Summary: A redeemed Ben Solo struggles to adjust to life after the First Order. Thankfully there's someone in the Resistance who knows something about that: Finn.
Relationships: Finn/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	Who Am I But Here?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [theselittlethings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theselittlethings) for the beta read and support.
> 
> Thank you to [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest/pseuds/JenfysNest) for the moodboard.

There is a knock at the door. 

“Ben?” Silence. “Ben, I know you’re there.” _No, I’m not. I’m gone._

Ben stays curled up on his side on his bed roll, willing his mother to leave him alone. 

“Ben, eventually you are going to have to come out of there and face people. You don’t need to be afraid, son. You helped us, in the end. I know you’re afraid, but it will be ok.”

Ben squeezes his eyes shut. Bringing his knees up to his chest he wraps his arms around them tightly. He wills his pounding heart to slow. He senses Leia retreating down the hallway. Yes, his mother is right. Yes, he is going to have to face people, eventually. He just needs to be able to face himself first.

________________________________________

  
  


Ben isn’t sure how much later it is when he wakes up to find Rey hovering over his bedside, poking him with her staff. 

“Ben! Enough of this! Enough isolation, enough moping! It’s time to, I don’t know...start living what we fought for! You helped us win. I can’t let you just mold away when there are things to do.”

Ben sits up and rubs his eyes. Sighing he looks up at Rey. Her expression is a mixture of scolding and concern. He can sense her worry through their Force connection. He opens his mouth to say--what, exactly? How can he explain the guilt and shame he feels? The regret. The feeling that he doesn’t deserve this chance he has been given. The feeling that he isn’t really sure who he _is_ anymore. That he’s gone.

Some of his feelings must seep through, because Rey has a look of dawning comprehension on her face. 

“I have someone I want you to meet--well, you’ve technically _met_ him already,” she bites her lip, “But I really think spending time together can be good for you. For both of you, actually.” She looks more resolute now.

“How do you know this person will even agree to do it?” Ben can’t help but ask, torn between wanting Rey’s idea to work and terror at the idea of interacting with anyone besides her or his mother. He knows his presence at the Resistance base is controversial.

Rey grins. “He’ll do it, for me.” She glances over Ben, his rumpled clothes and greasy hair. “And take a kriffing shower Ben, you stink.” Her parting words don’t hurt, because she is right. Instead of getting up and hitting the ‘fresher, Ben lays back down, pulling the coverlet, _which incidentally also stinks,_ over his head. He’ll deal with that later. 

_____________________________________________

The next morning Ben is awake, _clean,_ and sitting quietly when he hears a knock on his door. Without answering he presses the control to slide it open. A scowling Rey with her fist raised greets him, surprise flashing across her face.

“Oh, it’s you then. You smell better, at least.” 

Ben works to keep his expression blank. He’s dressed in black, like always. He doesn’t own anything that isn’t black. Rey eyes him up and down, but doesn’t say anything. 

“We are going to eat with everyone in the common area.” Rey is a few steps ahead of him and doesn’t at first notice he hasn’t stepped out of his quarters. At her words, Ben’s heart started pounding a panicking rhythm against his ribs, and his mouth is dry. _No. No kriffing way,_ he thinks. _I can’t face them. I WON’T._ The thought of the stares, _of course they’ll all stare, they always do._ The whispers. Sensing everyone’s anger and hatred. He knows it’s more than he can take.

Rey stops and turns around. Her face has a slightly sympathetic look, and he knows she must sense terror. “Come on, Ben,” she beckons quietly. “You’re stronger than you know.”

Ben doesn’t utter a word. And as his blood roars in his ears, _his giant fucking ears,_ he takes the first steps outside his quarters since emerging from the bacta tank in medbay after his arrival. 

By the time they approach the mess hall, the roaring in his ears has dulled enough he can hear the din of chatter. With a pang Ben recalls his father joking ‘When in doubt, brazen it out,’ and follows Rey to the serving line. He isn’t hungry, he hasn’t been in ages. He keeps his eyes down, and ignores the hush that now permeates the room as his presence has registered. 

He takes about one-third of the food Rey does and mutley follows her to a table. He sits next to her, on the edge, so that no one else can sandwich in beside him. He feels deeply uncomfortable being in a room with this many people, his back to potential enemies. _Not enemies, not any longer. But potential threats? That’s still here._ And his back is to them. 

Taking a deep breath, Ben clasps his hands in his lap and raises his eyes. Rey is sitting next to him. Ben looks across the table and sees the Resistance pilot. His jaw clenches. Is _this_ who Rey was referring to when she said there was someone he should spend time with? Ben’s hands are in fists. _No. No kriffing way._

“Sis is Poe,” Rey indicates, her mouth a little too full for talking, but doing it anyway. 

Rey either misses or purposely ignores the jolt of tension that palpably jolts through Ben. _He’s been inside this pilot’s mind._ A wave of guilt washed over him. He glances briefly up at Poe, nodding and immediately lowers his eyes to his plate. Poe’s expression was stony in the milli-second look Ben got of it, anyway. 

The guilt is now morphing into shame. Ben’s insides burn with it. Rey and Poe begin chatting, and he doesn’t even attempt to follow. He consciously withdraws into himself, striving for an outward appearance of calm. The shame coils and writhes in his middle and he knows he will not be able to keep any food down. On the verge of retreating to his quarters, Ben grabs his plate when he hears his name and halts.

“Ben now, right?” Feeling like he is under water, Ben looks up to see a hand extended towards him. His hands still locked on his plate, his eyes follow the hand up from the arm to the face.

Stunned, Ben swallows. It’s the traitor, FN-2187. Ben’s vision starts to tunnel and he realizes how foolish he was to think he could ever leave his past behind. He can’t kill it, and it will never die. _Get. Away. NOW!_

Before he is aware of what he is doing, Ben has lurched up from the table in an attempt to remove himself from the situation. 

But he finds himself frozen in space, unable to move. _Rey._ Sure enough, she is smirking, probably enjoying giving him a taste of his own medicine. _Inappropriate use of the Force._ He finds her eye and she releases her hold. He doesn’t run, just stands there. 

Trying to summon elusive calm. Ben unclenches his fists and once again looks at the hand that is miraculously still open. Ben’s eyes travel again to FN 2187’s face. 

Liquid brown eyes penetrate his. A radiant smile emerges, the brilliant white teeth contrasting with dark skin. His smile is stunning, and Ben feels himself swallow. Unable to look away, Ben places his hand in the proffered one. He feels the warmth of the contact seep into his fingers and his belly. 

“I’m Finn.” FN 2187, _Finn,_ says. 

Ben can feel his jaw working, trying to say something. Anything. 

“Hi, Finn,” Ben manages. Ben withdraws his hand, and sits back down. 

He still can’t eat. His emotions are still churning. But after a few minutes of listening to the friendly chatter of FN - _Finn_ and Rey and the Resistance Pilot, Ben has managed to will his heart slow when he sneaks another glance up at Finn, he finds that Finn is already looking at him, a slight smile on his face. Finn pushes Ben’s tray towards him. 

“Hungry Ben?” Ben watches Finn’s full lips close around his utensil, and feels the heat in his belly like he did before.

“Yeah,” he manages to say, unable to stop staring. He picks up his utensil and finds a bite. “Yeah, I am” he says, as Finn smiles back at him.

_________________________________________________________________

Because Finn asks him to, and because he is a little scared of what Rey might do, Ben starts eating all his meals in the mess hall. Finn and Rey introduce him to Rose, and as Ben finds himself a part of their group, he notes that the whispers and murmurings are quieting down. Well, they _feel_ quieter, anyway. Ben is still quiet, and rarely speaks. 

He manages to make eye contact with those around the table. And he manages to eat. Weight that had fallen off him before comes back on. When he is with the group he notes the easy laughter between them. They all have a collective understanding, bought with harrowing experiences gone through together. They’ve earned this laughter and banter and finishing each other’s sentences. 

For someone who spent a lot of his life alone, Ben finds himself both awed and, not envious, but at a loss. This is something he longs for, has longed for. Companionship. Friendship. When he is alone at night, Ben feels the emptiness inside him. The mixture of guilt, loneliness, shame, and fear swirl inside him, and without the outlet of the Dark Side, the feelings are too much. Allowing himself to want, and knowing that nothing but himself and his past actions are keeping him from getting the things he wants, _hurts._ He feels the ache, the hollowness. 

At night, when he is alone, he thinks of Finn. How Finn went from FN 2187 to Resistance hero. How Finn went from being a faceless number, hidden behind a mask, to being part of a group of friends. Of family. _How did he do it? Does he ever feel bad about his past?_ Not that he did the things that Ben did--that Kylo did. _I don’t even know who I am. Whatever_ was _Ben is gone, whatever remains of Kylo I reject._

He thinks about Finn’s easy smile, how he throws his head back when he laughs, how the sound of it makes Ben get this melty feeling in his chest. _I maimed him. How can I even be around him? It doesn’t matter what Rey wants, I don’t deserve to be a part of...of whatever this is._

But the next morning at breakfast as usual, when Finn asks Ben if he’d like to work out together, Ben nods in agreement. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Ben and Finn arrange meet up in the rec area after the evening meal. Ben is nervous. He tells himself he is nervous because he hasn’t been alone with Finn since the fight on Starkiller. How do you spend time with someone who the last time you saw them you screamed “Traitor!” at them, scarred them permanently with your lightsaber, and rendered them unconscious? 

Guilt rises like bile in the back of Ben’s throat. His heart joins it there, fluttering when he sees that Finn is shirtless and already shining with a glaze of sweat. Well-defined muscles are on full display and it feels like time slows down as Finn inhales and his chest expands. It’s mesmerizing, and Ben has to force his eyes to Finn’s face as Finn realizes Ben is there. 

Ben has seen Finn smile and laugh many times now, but he still finds himself entranced by the way that Finn’s plump lips stretch wide. Finn’s eyes crinkle when he smiles, and Ben has the urge to run this thumbs along the smile lines on his face. To cradle his face and touch Finn’s cheeks, and feel the hair at the base of his neck. 

Swallowing, Ben feels his face heating. He returns Finn’s smile, but doesn’t manage to find his voice in time to echo a greeting. 

“I wanted to try something, but only if you’re comfortable with it,” Finn starts. He indicates two training sabers with a nod of his head. “I know that you remember the last time we used something like this, on Starkiller.” He glances up at Ben, who can only gaze back, forcing himself to meet Finn’s eyes. 

Finn clears his throat, and this is the first indication to Ben that maybe Finn is feeling anxious about this too. _Can you blame him? You’ve injured him. Permanently. You’re lucky he is even speaking to you. You don’t deserve to be here. He would kill Kylo if he could. And Ben…_

“I want to try practicing, and besides Rey, you’re the only other person here who is a challenge.” Finn tosses Ben a trainer, interrupting his train of thought. Ben catches it and without thinking twirls it in his left hand. Finn catches the motion and grins. 

“Just want to get some training in. That ok with you?” Finn grasps his trainer in both hands, his stance eerily similar to Starkiller. 

_No. No it’s not._ Ben takes a wide stance, his training saber extending from his left hand. 

Finn makes the first move, approaching Ben with a downward blow that Ben blocks easily. Finn continues to strike and Ben to deflect, until Finn yells at Ben to stop holding back. Ben pauses for a brief moment to shrug an apology before taking the offensive, hitting harder and faster. At first Ben is still hesitant to use his full skill set and strength, but he soon realizes that Finn was holding back too. Finn is _good._ He has improved since they fought in the snow and somewhere, in the part of his brain that isn’t parrying blows Ben acknowledges that Finn and Rey must have trained together a lot. 

The two men spar in earnest. Ben is sweating and breathing hard and a glance at Finn’s bare chest shows he is in the same condition. The glance also allows Finn to attempt a strike that Ben barely fights off, twisting his torso. Using his momentum, Ben continues to twist his body and uses the motion to disarm Finn. Finn lets out a yelp of pain as his arm and shoulder contort as he tries to hold on to his weapon.

The training saber clatters to the floor. Finn is panting and his eyes are wide when he looks up at Ben. Ben reads fear there, and is filled with shame. Ben drops his training saber like it was burning him, he meets Finn’s eyes, knowing his own expression is stricken. He tries to find something to say. 

“Nice job, man.” Finn says, his expression returning to a neutral one. 

“Are you ok?” Ben can’t help the concern seeping into his voice. He starts to raise his hand to touch Finn’s shoulder, but instead lowers it again.

“Well, since that fight, I...I haven’t been the same. I…” Finn reaches behind him and gestures towards his back.

Ben lowers his gaze. “I wounded you,” he mutters. His eyes fill with tears. Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to look into Finn’s eyes. He is terrified at what he will see there, and when he finds what he can only categorize as tenderness, he finds he is crying in earnest. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you.” Ben’s eyes have squeezed shut so when he feels Finn’s arms around him, he initially startles at the sensations before relaxing into it. Ben’s arms reach under Finn’s and close around him. He buries his head in Finn’s neck. He feels Finn’s hand at the back of his neck, supporting his head. Finn’s arms hold him tight. 

Ben inhales, his hand wandering up Finn’s back. His fingers find the jagged line of puckered skin and damaged tissue, remnants of Ben’s saber and their fight. Ben notices that Finn has gone still and his breathing has become shallow. He pulls back slightly to look at Finn. Their eyes meet and Ben’s hand continues to slowly explore the scar on Finn’s back. When Ben’s hands reach the tip of the scar, Finn’s head is inclining towards his. Ben bends so their foreheads are touching. They’re still in each other’s arms, Finn’s hand on his neck, now lightly stroking through his hair, just like Ben had thought about doing with Finn earlier; Ben’s hand caressing the scar on Finn’s back, traveling up and down in gentle motions. 

Ben doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but eventually Finn clears his throat and lowers his arms. Ben does the same. He resists the urge to wipe his eyes with his fists, and closes his eyes. When he opens his eyes, Finn is still there. 

“Ben, I forgive you. I did a long time ago, actually. Time for you to forgive yourself.” Finn places his hand on Ben’s arm, sliding it down to grab his hand. 

Ben looks down at their hands. Finn gives his a squeeze, and Ben squeezes back. They hold hands as Finn walks Ben to his quarters, but they don’t talk anymore.

After showering, Ben warily eyes his reflection in the ‘fresher mirror. _Who am I? I’m no longer Kylo. I’m not the same Ben._ But he also considers that if he hadn’t been both Ben and Kylo, then he wouldn’t have met Finn. Thinking of Finn’s face when he said he forgave him, Ben still feels guilt and shame, but they’re softened--not as intrusive. “He forgives me,” he said aloud, to his reflection. “I’m not completely gone. I’m still here, and he forgives me.”

The silliness he feels for talking out loud to himself dims as he remembers how Finn’s arms felt around him. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Ben soon adds regular sparring sessions with Finn and occasionally Rey to his daily routine. He continues to eat meals in the mess hall. Leia eats with them sometimes. Ben hates the extra attention he receives when this happens, feels his anxiety spike in proportion to the number of eyes that are on him, but he remembers a conversation he overheard with Finn and Rey, where they talked about not knowing or having families. Rey was left by her family, Finn taken from his. And Ben can never forget how he ripped his own father from the world. So now that Leia is making time for him, and an effort. Ben fights his urge to flee and eats with his mother. 

And if his blows hit with more ferocity during his next session with Finn, so be it. Ben gets the feeling that Finn understands. They haven’t hugged again, not since that first night, but Finn continues to walk Ben back to his quarters every night after their work out is done. 

One night, Ben asks Finn if he wants to come in. Finn props himself against the kitchenette counter while Ben gets them each a glass of water. They both drink quickly, avoiding eye contact. _This is awkward. This was a mistake._ Ben is on the verge of apologizing to Finn when Finn sets his glass down with a thud. Ben looks up.

“I’m glad you’re here Ben. And I’m glad I’m here with you,” Finn says quietly.

Ben abruptly puts his own glass down. He takes a step closer to where Finn is still propped against the counter. It’s a small kitchenette, the men are close.

“You--you’ve helped a lot, man. Thanks. I, uh, it’s messed up, because it’s all my fault, but--”

“Stop.” Finn interjects. “Not ‘all your fault.’ We were a part of something bad. But we aren’t anymore. We are still here. And we’re still working to make things right.”

“I was lost, I guess. I felt like whatever was left of me wasn’t worth thinking about, let alone saving or taking care of. Like I was gone, forever.”

Finn reaches out his hand, up to Ben’s face. He lightly traces his fingertips down the scar that bisects Ben’s face. Ben closes his eyes, initially because Finn’s fingers are going over his eyelid and then just to feel the sensation of Finn’s fingers on his face. Finn’s hand stops at the neckline of Ben’s shirt, and he leaves it there. 

“No one is ever really gone, Ben.” His hands move up and hold each side of Ben’s face. He brings Ben’s head down and kisses Ben’s forehead, where the scar begins. 

Ben can’t breathe. He has closed his eyes and is so scared to open them. 

“We’ve seen each other’s scars. We’ve felt them too. And we’re both here. Are you here with me, Ben?”

Finn’s murmurs fill Ben’s ears and he reaches out to hold Finn against his chest. Finn’s hands slide around Ben’s neck. 

“I am here. I’m not gone.” Ben whispers.

Finn pulls back and Ben has started to release his grip when Finn presses his lips to Ben’s. It’s a short kiss, soft and sweet. When Finn pulls back, Ben follows him so their foreheads are touching. 

  
“You’re here, Ben. Here with me, “ Finn sighs. They look at each other and smile, like they’ve discovered some great universal truth. _Which, we have,_ Ben thinks, opening his mouth for another kiss.


End file.
